AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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