I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
