More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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