I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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