Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
