is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
