Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
