bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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