Don't make out with my wife yet
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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