have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
