So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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