I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
