The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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