yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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