why didn't you poke me back
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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