I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
