Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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