i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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