im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
