Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
