never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
