I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
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