margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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