nut hugger
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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