Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
