I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
