Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I party with great urgency now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
