Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
