You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
