Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
ok first of all what the fuck
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
