I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i've created a new STD.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
