today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize