I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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