Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
