Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
