her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
