He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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