the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize