I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
this is an emotional support booty call
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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