I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
