Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I smell like Dick and happiness
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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