I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize