you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
