So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
