hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
