I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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