I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
