My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
