I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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