you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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