he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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