my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
