we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
