I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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