She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just want nice things and good sex
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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