last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
