2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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