woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
